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Why do I use a daily stream-of-conscious microblog—what am I supposed to be getting out of this, what are you, random browser, supposed to get out of this? It’s easy to say it’s because I want attention, but getting attention can actually be pretty horrifying as well, so let’s say it’s more complex than that. Let’s say that a part of it is because even when I’m at work, or at some social get-together of a more formal variety, I can’t always figure out if anyone, at all, is being genuine with me. If anyone around me is real. I don’t mean this in a solipsistic way, but that I will be at that moment experiencing a complex medley of emotions and memories that don’t match up at all with the script I feel I need to work through. So, in a state of confusion, I read through the script while being painfully aware that someone is reading their sketchy script at me too.

On Twitter, sometimes, you can find very real people. Honest, confused, mistake-making, talented, scared, excited, loving, hating human beings in real time, looking at a screen that can somewhat neutralize that script. You know, in between the joke formulas. And the people pandering at low points which are equivalent to other people’s dreams.

When I find someone who I can relate with, who seems real, I feel relief, like, “Phew! Thank god, I’m not just some feeling freakshow, and other people also are bewildered/impressed/terrified of this weird LIFE thing.”

Audrey, or @singing_ghosts, is one of the awesome people. I’ve interviewed her below as part of Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, which I started out of sheer boredom on a road trip and continue to still do. I’ve followed Audrey for a long time now, and simply put, her tweets are just really, really good—she’s a really interesting human being. She has a mix of prose, personal thoughts, music, art, brutal truths and funny jokes that I like best because of the morbid and sentimental blend. She seems to really care a lot about people, and she is wonderful to interact with on the webs. I am grateful that I found and follow her, and I think you should follow her too, if you don’t. She sells beautiful and interesting items at her Etsy shop, which is definitely worth checking out. Her music can also be listened to on this Dumpster Girls SoundCloud.

1EFqWRGT

pictured: a plant


Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

My girlfriend at the time didn’t care about anything I said. She thought I was weird after 5 years together and just made me feel stupid a lot. In reality, her disorder started to take hold of her and I didn’t know that’s what was going on. I felt really bad about my personality, she was becoming more abusive, mostly emotionally, sometimes physically, and just wanted someone to be like “it’s okay audrey. you’re funny and loving!” I guess. So, here I am. Single and Logged On.

Where is the best place you have ever been?

I tripped hard and went to a place where the mountains moved like teeth grinding and every step I took felt like I was walking on the moon. that was cool. not under the influence? idk really. I’m trying to think of a “THIS WAS THE BEST DAY EVER” moment but I can’t. I guess the best place I’ve ever been was home when I came back to it.

What is your favorite song to sing?

Only Skin by Joanna Newsom but really anything Broadway or Joanna Newsom

Where do you get the items for your Etsy shop?

I make them or I get them from old dead women.

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

I just told someone I was born a woman and started crying because they didn’t respond well to it. I have a really hard time with my gender identity and it’s one of the biggest struggles I face in my real life I very rarely discuss online.

What is your favorite movie?

This is an unfair question because it depends on genre, decade, actors, style, country. I lean towards horror and old Hollywood, a lot of musicals.

What’s in your Tinder bio?

ATM my bio says “I don’t wanna have sex I just wanna lick feet. I’ll pay. don’t bother getting to know me” lol

Who is your favorite musical artist?

Joanna Newsom!!!! but also Fiona Apple

What’s something that’s more important than everything else?

To me? Being accepted. Not like initiation accepted, even if that sounds pretty sexy. Just like, you know, feeling comfortable as myself.

What is a social issue that you are passionate about?

Is disarming rich white men in power considered a social issue? That’s what I’m passionate about.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

@petfurniture!!!! She was one of the first people I followed. I always thought she was gentle and interesting and I felt this awful pain when I saw her tweets. She just knew what it was like to ache but as aware as I was that you’re not supposed to. It was reassuring for me, like, if this sweet girl, who could find warmth in what seems like a dark world, existed, I wasn’t alone in being hopeful and buried alive. I thought I was the only person who felt the way her tweets read to me. I had no idea what twitter would be like when I found her. It took me two years to get her to follow me back. I never interacted with her or made any attempt to let her know I existed, of course. She found me eventually and it was like a “God, finally” sigh.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

I don’t have a spirit animal and if I did it would definitely run away.

What is the scariest monster of all time?

Arousal and intoxication. The drunk and horny combination. When I’m drunk and horny, or on opiates, just stay away from me. What happens to me is one of the reasons I wanted to get sober, not to get all MY DEMONS!!! about it or anything. Real monsters? Probably sharks or aliens.

because THEY ARE REAL

What is a life lesson you feel you have learned thus far?

When you’re afraid of things and hide, nothing will happen to you, nothing bad, but nothing good. Eventually you have to stop playing it safe or you’ll end up like your least favorite parent. Also don’t masturbate after cutting jalapeños.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

I’m technically self employed so I guess when I go to water my garden the song that plays would be “feed me” from little shop of horrors. In general, I think my theme song is ABBA’s “take a chance on me” or anything of theirs. Really pumps me up.

What is love?

Love is walking across the street when someone you don’t see is speeding and there’s this moment where you’re like oh my god am I gonna die or is this gonna hurt really fucking badly? You don’t die and it doesn’t hurt. They stop just in time and they probably yell at you a little bit and you finally breathe. That first breath is what love is.

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

pumpkin pie cheesecake with brownie swirls

We both have had bee-related usernames—beekeeper, honeydrone—What diabolical plan can we concoct that involves bees? I feel like the two of us could wreak some havoc with some bees.

We would need @beehivesy, as she is the queen bee, IMO, for some sorta of Beemuda Triangle? A porn maybe??? Where we put a dude in the middle of us and sting him with knifes and you can fuck him to death if you want. Just like fuck the bloods and guts out faster because she doesn’t like gore to begin with and I don’t wanna have sex with anything or anyone, dead or alive. Back to the bees! You can ADOPT beehives! FOR HONEYBEES!! I just learned this recently. I’m sorry. I’m just thinking about our porn now. Thanks for having me.

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You demanded it (well, someone demanded it), I have provided. In this session of Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, I have interviewed the illustrious Uel Aramchek, or @ThePatanoiac. People use Twitter for many different things: butt jokes, instigation, self-expression, socialization, butt jokes—and then there are the writers. A microblog with a 140 character limit is an interesting place to play with words, and also essentially an effective advertisement for outside writing. The interactivity is also an important component. Hey, you have a loquacious appetite for space squid romance? I have a loquacious appetite for space squid romance, too. This is how magic happens, folks. ThePatanoiac makes the magic happen.

One of the things I have found very meaningful and impactive is that when you extend your creative side to an internet community, discover a decent group of people who understand that personal desire to create something, you then have the opportunity for personal growth. It’s important to look at the creative efforts of another human being and talk about them. When people make a narrative, that takes time and effort and skill, and great things can happen when a community backs that up. My respect for this gives me a lot of respect for ThePatanoiac. He creates, and just in simply doing that he inspires others to create. So when you check out his timeline (mhmgh, first paragraph, click), you’re most likely making yourself just a smidgen of a better person through this experience.

Hey, maybe I can be that sort of influence too? Haha? One day? Maybe. Anyway, continuing on.

The main hub for his writing (which will be linked again at the bottom of the post DEAL WITH IT) is his website North of Reality, and there is also a Tumblr featuring his writing that you can follow. His twitter also contains collections of his writing, such as June’s collection.

KmvFSNA2

Pictured: Writing Prompt


Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

This account actually started out as a graveyard for my past writing. After years of producing and abandoning rough drafts, I had accumulated multiple novels and several half finished ones which were rather weak. During a period of near-zero writing productivity after graduating from university, @MitchDokken convinced me that I should do something interesting on Twitter and showed me some of the weirdness that was already present. From there, I started digging through my heap of drafts, finding fragments that I felt were decent, and posting them out of context. After a few weeks I ran out of content, and this project transitioned into the original works that I post today. Back then, I never would have expected that it would become what it has.

Two of my other interviewees have stated that you are one of their favorite accounts on Twitter. What do you have to say about this?

These kind of statements always blow my mind, honestly. I appreciate those two immensely, both as writers and people.

Now, what did you do to bewitch them? I want details, here. I need to do some bewitching.

I made a bargain with the ghosts of Geocities websites that perished long ago. It’s easy to do it at home these days. You can get a bluetooth-enabled ouija board at just about any abandoned Radio Shack.

When did you start writing, and why did you start?

Back in Elementary school, I started writing a “book.” It was about ten pages of handwriting about giant plants taking over a cruise ship. There were these insidious vines with lamprey teeth, and the adult ones had venus flytrap faces. This is sort of disjoint from the rest of the story, but I find it somewhat amusing.

It’s probably more accurate to say I started in the summer after seventh grade. I joined in on this forum thread where people were telling segments of a science fiction story and passing it around, and there was this Dutch fellow who wrote these massive, heartfelt chunks of space opera while the rest of us kids flailed around coming up with alternate names for lightsabers. I think he was much older than the rest of the site’s members, and I’m not really sure why he was hanging around. Either way, I was extremely jealous of his skill, and started copying his style of grammar in my pieces.

When school started again, our English teacher asked us to turn in one piece of creative writing a quarter. I was full of ambition and a mysterious force known as “teen energy,” and had spontaneously decided that I was capable of writing a novel. So each quarter, I wrote an entire chapter (in retrospect, they were quite tiny) about this dystopian city powered by the tears of its citizens who were forced to worship sunflowers. It wasn’t good, but by that point, I had thoroughly convinced myself that I could do be a writer, and every year after that I started writing a different novel (although I didn’t actually finish one until I was 19).

Do you have any writing advice for the teeming masses?

In my experience, it takes thousands upon thousands of words of practice to be ready to write for an audience. The first fiction that you write is probably not going to be publishable in quality, and that’s okay. If you have a grand vision of your perfect first novel, you will likely sit for months with your wheels spinning trying to defeat a blank page, and most publishers will just ask you to rewrite it anyway once you’re done. Just keep cranking out words until you look back on what you’re doing and are comfortable with your skill. You will keep getting better, and will eventually amass more ideas than you can ever publish.

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

Plot holes actually improve stories.

What is your favorite movie?

There are perhaps many more deserving of mention, but I just have to go with Southland Tales. There’s nothing else quite like it.

What is a social issue that you are passionate about?

Ending credit card rewards programs, and challenging the credit industry in general. Their wicked machine reinforces every last institutionalized problem that we have, yet their contribution to inequality is almost entirely unrecognized.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

My darling @esthermaschine. She and I have been on an amazing journey of love for the past two years, and her mind never ceases to amaze me.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Probably the giant octopus. I love its eldritch aesthetic, and how it rivals the smartest species of mammals in intelligence despite having followed a completely separate path of evolution. That deviation resonates with me.

What is the scariest monster of all time?

When I was small, I was terrified of the creatures I would see by staring into the grooves in the wood on closet doors. I came to believe they were the outlines of the spirits that lived in our house, shadows burned into the spaces they occupied. Those ambiguous forms with their manifold eyes and craggled limbs are the foundation of every monster that I’ve imagined since, so I have to hand them that award. An interesting addendum to this is that a friend of mine who comes from a line of witches in the Philippines explained to me that in her family, there is a belief that the wood in houses eventually becomes a malevolent presence, as it remembers being alive. That concept has resonated with me ever since in a sinister way, reframing and complexifying the monsters of my childhood, as well as giving them a means to follow me elsewhere in life.

What is your favorite book?

VALIS, by Philip K Dick. As soon as you read it, your life gets immediately weirder.

What is a life lesson you feel you have learned thus far?

The universe is irrational, and under no obligation to obey any declaration that we make about its nature.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

“The Heart’s A Lonely Hunter,” with Thievery Corporation and David Byrne.

What is love?

I’ve always been fond of Buckminster Fuller’s definition: “metaphysical gravity.”

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

A doomsday cake- which is really just the hole in space-time left behind by eating a birthday cake too quickly.

If you were to convert my life into a science fiction story, what would Bec’s story be about?

As your old namesake implies, you are a cosmic beekeeper, a job that entails producing the honey that holds quantum particles together and thus allows matter to exist. Colony collapse disorder strikes on a galactic scale, and the story follows your efforts to maintain a universe that is slowly coming unglued.

What is a project that you are currently working on, that you would like to share with others?
As of late, I’ve been producing regular bursts of fictional content over on http://northofreality.com, which is intended to be a hub for my writing. I post something new close to every day, and am working on determining a consistent schedule. I’ve got some other writing projects in the works, including the long-term Hexward which I’ve discussed in the past, but these are not on a clear timeline.

What are you doing here? Oh wait, yes, now I remember. I have decided to speak with Twitter user Post-Culture Review, @PostCultRev, as part of the ongoing project Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard OfMy goal here is to give creative people an outlet to write something that others will read in a venue other than Twitter, share whatever they want about themselves—ranging from serious to silly—and to keep myself entertained for a small period of time while I write these things. Also, I have an impeccable taste in human beings, as you may have noticed. I’ve taken up the hobby of collecting cool people, and it would be wrong of me not to share my findings with the world. [Disclaimer: Interviewees not subject for kidnapping]

This impeccable taste is what initially drew me to PCR, back in my early days of Twitter when I was fresh and corruptible. The man is a fantastic writer, despite the channeling of evil spirits that results in reading his stories. I still await reimbursement for my costly exorcism bills. I used to have his zines displayed in my bathroom, as part of a magazine rack, so that guests could read his works while they worked on their movements, but this resulted in… too many messes… when my guests inevitably snapped from the exposure to eldritch realms and peering into the abyss, scrawling threatening messages all over my bathroom walls using the only material on hand (and boy, was it on hand). Not everyone has the mental fortitude to handle the abominations underneath life’s surface, you know.

Now his zines are in the dining room, in a rack with copies of the revival of my old literary journal, printed by someone who has a much bigger budget than I ever did. I’ve been hoping that the shaky work of undergraduates would act as a buffer between his insanity and the real world, but the cryptic messages etched into my hardwood floor seem to suggest otherwise.

Post-Culture Review’s zine can be received by DMing him on the interwebs, and his podcast is located here for all the world to hear.

Pictured: The star of your next nightmare


 

Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

I started it to promote my zine, which is why it’s named after my zine. It has since evolved into a kind of literary laboratory for me to explore my obsessions or, alternately, my brain toilet.

Describe yourself in two words (no, wait, three words).

Albino cave potato

What is a writing project that you are currently working on?

I’m currently writing a short novel about a man on a deserted island who finds a machine that makes perfect clones of him. The clones eventually take over the island, which runs out of food as the society grows too large for the ecology to maintain them. The clone themselves then eat other clones to survive. This is an actual thing I’m doing because I’m an adult.

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

You can sing “I Like Big Butts” to the tune of “Greensleeves” and now you’ll never stop doing this.

What did you have for breakfast?

Scrambled eggs, toast, coffee and free-range morning anxiety.

What is something that you hate doing?

My job that earns us the money that supports my family.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Your account is always a pleasure and you were one of the first people I communicated with regularly. If I had to pick it would be @mountennui who I find to be a constant source of inspiration. Reading his work was when I first started to read twitter as its own kind of literature. Some other favorites include @timescanner, @studiesincrap, @behindyourback, @thepatanoiac and dozens of others I’m certainly forgetting  and whom ‘m dead certain will hate me forever now because I didn’t mention them…

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Bacteria, because no one ever thinks of them until billions of them are digesting you.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

Nothing. Every time I think I have a grasp on something I end up being humbled and awed by the awesome majesty of the universe and its infinite possibilities. It’s very frustrating.

What do you believe to be the scariest monster?

Giant squids, because they hate us and their civilization is so much more advanced and cruel than ours.

What is your favorite book?

Can’t pick one. Top ten:

“60 Stories” by Donald Barthelme

“Labyrinths” by Jorge Luis Borges

“The Master and Margarita” by Mikhail Bulgakov

“We Have Always Lived in the Castle” by Shirley Jackson

“At Swim-Two-Birds” By Flann O’Brien

“Invisible Cities” by Italo Calvino

“Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

“The Lathe of Heaven” by Ursela K LeGuin

“Sometimes a Great Notion” by Ken Kesey

“The Sot-Weed Factor” by John Barth

What is a life lesson you feel you have learned thus far?

Our lives are built out of whatever narratives we tell ourselves about what is going on. It’s all a story. Changing the story isn’t going to necessarily change your life, but recognizing it is a story, and other people have their stories, and that culture and history are collections of these stories, goes a long way to coming to a better understanding of what we’re all up to.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

“Primitive” by the Groupies

How does the internet work?

I scream at some bats and they fly away and form words in the night sky.

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

A croissant, because I’m a lot of work to put together and I leave crumbs all over the goddamned place.

If we fought crime together, what sort of crime would we fight?

We’d free people from the tyranny of their shitty, unfulfilling jobs like some sort of freedom fighters.

Welcome to another episode of Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, a thing that I’ve decided to do simply because I enjoy other human beings, specifically ones I have pre-selected. Today’s spotlight is on Ruben Ferdinand, known as @urbanfriendden on the Twitter web area. People may follow Ruben for his jokes, stories, or face, but I do it for all three. The princess may be in another castle, but Ruben knows about some other, better castle that has two dragon princesses, a white mage, and a cache of hyper potions that will keep you going all night long. He’s the magic anime noir guru captain that appears in the last dungeon with all four crystals, sending you back into the fields to grind because you are simply no match without some serious stats. Legend has it that once his limit break gauge filled up all the way and he became anime. Yes, the anthropomorphic embodiment of the very essential concept of anime. Impressive, I know.

To read more of his writing, click here, though you might want to have learned Esuna beforehand. In which case, back to the overworld with you!

Pictured: Anime.


Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

I think I first joined Twitter JUST to follow wolfpupy and, while they were still around, UtilityLimb. I think I was like 17 when I started posting under my first moniker, ‘ruben_twatter’ – which, in bloodshot hindsight, was a TERRIBLE name. I kind of immediately went into jokemode but being the wee lad of the praerie I was back then no one really cared. I remember being so excited when I hit 200 followers, while now I flourish my silver goblet as a patrician would and spill wine while also demanding more wine (the wine is Twitter followers). Why I still am on Twitter NOW is because my ebooks account needs more source material. He is a better tweeter than I am. (Also i love my friends)

Describe yourself in two words (no, wait, three words).

Frogs? Cool. (Alright!)

What is the greatest video game of all time?

You lockpick the entrance to the arcade hall with the grace of a master thief wearing a catsuit of their own volition. It is a time where this is considered an illegal act. (Wearing a catsuit while doing crimes; no one cares about video games.) With a fierce, saucy strut you move towards the glowing game cabinet in the exact centre of the building, other cabinets arranged in a circular pattern around it, as if afraid. You step up on the platform which consists of four pressure plates with arrows all pointing down. The screen lights up: a disastrous blend of all colours including two secret ones. It tells you “50c”, which is short for “50 Sea”. That is clearly wrong. There are only seven seas but you can find it in your heart to forgive the cabinet. You check your pockets of your pants for spare change… Drat!! Fake pockets, the despair of civilisation. Luckily, you had a fifty-cent coin hidden underneath your tongue. You insert the coin into the narrow slot. Suddenly, the screen bellows with the heavily-modulated voice of your dad “DO IT NOW.” With great immediacy you drop down to place your two legs and two arms on each pressure plate. A trapdoor opens and you plunge into the deepest darkest hole you’ve ever fallen in and you consider yourself quite the connoisseur. The screen flashes “CONGRATULATION. WELCOME TO HELL!”

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

NIHILISM IS A REALLY OBTUSE WAY TO DISTANCE YOURSELF OF ALL MORAL RESPONSIBILITIES

What did you have for breakfast?

A single egg. In the science place we refer to it as an ‘oviform’. It was a pure, uncorrupted delicacy.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

There’s so many answers I have for this so I’m just gonna list two people who I hold very dear: @mammonmachine because Aevee is so cool and I look up to her a lot (go read ZEAL!!); @bombsfall because Scott has taught me so much in the short while we’ve known each other and he’s incredibly nice; @urbanfriendden, because Ruben is so cool and sexy mMmmm.

(Your absence from this threefold list doesn’t mean I don’t care for you it just means I’m too shy to tell you how I really feel)

What is your spirit animal, and why?

A mouse, because I am a big fan of Redwall. One day I hope to be very little and a master swordsman.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

You’d think history since I studied the damn thing. But no, the answer is video game music and sound effects.

What is scarier, the ocean or outer space?

It’s kind of weird that both exist in this ambivalent semiotic space wherein there is beauty but also terror. Both are immeasurably gorgeous in a poetic sense (a starry night sky, the moon over an ocean, sexy space mercenaries), but they’re also everyone’s worst fears. Space makes people feel small and insignificant while the ocean is probably filled with fish that are also chainsaws? Fucked up imo. Anyway I choose ocean because this one time I had a bad ocean fishing experience.

Is this a rhetorical question?

You can be whatever you want to be, buddy.

What is an issue that you feel very passionate about?

Creative work as an occupation! Like, so many people are reluctant to pay artists and writers to basically do their jobs. It makes me want to give them a noogie until a merciless sun sheds some light into that thick skull of theirs 😡

GIVE THEM YOUR MONEEYYY

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

I have a megamix on my phone that’s every grunt of pain from every Silent Hill protagonist from 1 – 4 + Shattered Memories combined. I don’t listen to that, though. I listen to the soundtrack to Katamary Damacy!

How does the internet work?

The internet is a quiet sort… Please be quiet and gentle so it may do its job with a tender delight… Hear it thrumming softly… Oh it loves you so much…

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

I would be poffertjes, sprinkled with generous powdered sugar. Google that for a good time.

Rebecca Heck Yea: Kiss, marry, or kill?

Kill by kiss

Today, I bring you another interview as part of my series (yeah, that’s right, mom, I have series) Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, some Q+A with the wonderful Glenn, or as a bunch of weird strangers on the internet know him, @justabloodygame.Yes, I still remember the first time I read a Glenn tweet. I went into the 140 characters feeling optimistic, trusting, there were birds singing outside and I had hope for my future. The first six words made me feel good. He set a warm, familial scene that spoke of intimate moments and the goodness inside each and every one of us.

By the time I finished reading the entire tweet, I had become a broken woman. I had walked through the mountains of madness and some dark center of the universe had managed to twist my soul like a hand towel, draining me of my sanity and leaving me morally petrified. Nothing was safe anymore. Glenn had made me feel comfortable, and then transported my spirit to a hell dimension. I still haven’t yet regained it, and as I sit here, a spiritual husk, I can only imagine that my soul is being used to power some awful universal dark magic mechanism that brings chaos into the lives of the living.

It’s honestly been a huge relief. My soul was really bogging me down. I really owe him one!

Pictured: Dangerous wizard

 Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

Initially I started an account to promote my (now defunct) movie blog, and connect with college and old high school friends. The focus has… changed somewhat since then now. Now, it’s just to dump whatever is in my head into everyone else’s.

Who has been your most long-lasting best friend?

I’ve had a friend named Ben who I met for the first time when I was a year and a half and he was six months. We’re still good friends today, so I’m going to say him.

What did you have for breakfast?
A granola bar, though before you think I’m a healthy eater, I had a double bacon cheeseburger like three hours afterwards.

Describe your idea of a romantic date.

Cooking up a delicious meal for that special someone at home, then cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Or hanging out at the beach at night when there’s no one else but you, your lover making love amidst the waves and sand. That was how my first date with my current boyfriend went, can’t imagine it turning out any better.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Oi, do I have to choose just one? @SirEviscerate has been a long time favorite. @TheNatewolf and @tarashoe too. At gun point, forced to name one, I’d say @ThePatanoiac. He’s the writer I imagine myself to be in my most narcissistic moments.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Definitely dogs, nothing like a cute doggy resting his or her head on your leg to brighten any day.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

Movies? Fantasy and or Speculative Fiction novels? The hidden darkness of my own heart? One of those three.

What is scarier, the ocean or outer space?

Definitely outer space, you can go into the ocean without a spacesuit on and not die. The idea of death in a vacuum keeps me up nights.

What reality show would you like to be on? Would you win?

Chopped, and my victory depends entirely on the ingredients. Any seafood and I’m finished.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

Liquorice by Azaelia Banks.

How does the internet work?

If its creator is to be believed, a series of tubes runs the whole thing. Me? I think it’s been harvesting the souls of the damned to fuel the madness for a while now. There is no heaven, no hell, only the ‘Net.

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

Apple pie. When done right, it’s like me. Sweet, but with a hint of tartness.

Are you ever going to let me talk to you again after this?

As long as both our lawyers are present, sure.

In my acclaimed (brand new) Interview series called Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, I have spoken with the notorious FBP, or Fancy Bird Puffin, nude fiend and known Canadian. I chose to interview my good friend Puffin in an attempt to get him to apologize for being Canadian, but it appears that he has not complied. I assume then that the contents of this interview are now anti-American propoganda, and must be analyzed as a means of entering the mind of a terrorist. For this reason, it is dire for the United States federal government to come across this interview, and my blog, to ensure national security.

Pictured: Bird, Fancy

Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com? 

Excellent question. I believe it was the honourable Judge Judy who said “Because of your heinous crimes against humanity, this court orders you to a lifetime of community service.” I figured Twitter was the absolute best way for me to serve my community.

Who do you hate most in the world, living or dead? 

Excellent question. I think it might be a tie between whichever Big Bang Theory writer came up with “Bazinga” and every single customer who has ever come into my work ever. (My real name is actually Sheldon and people shout Bazinga at me all the time.)

What did you have for breakfast? 

Excellent question! I ate a really old butterfinger bar that I found in my car. It’s been there since winter. It tasted fine but I’ve vomited twice since.

A year from now, we will be partying because we have made a great achievement together and we must celebrate our success. What is it that we achieve? 

Excellent question. I think our nation PuffBextopia will have achieved sovereignty. We will have broke free from the bonds of whatever and something. It will be glorious.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Mmmmm excellent question. Present company excluded (because obviously the two of us are incredible) @Gr3yZer0 has recently become a favourite. He has some good occult humour (stuff like “when bae catch you preparin the blood sacrifice”) I also love @CountGripsnatch and his sensual big naturals. I am also a huge @BikiniBabeLover fanboy. He’s so absurd and incredible.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Wow! Excellent question! Many people would assume it’s a puffin because of whatever, but it’s actually some other animal. Like a banana or something.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

This… Now this is an excellent question! Charm. If life was a RPG, I’m the character who put all his points into Charisma and forgot about Intelligence and never even looked at Strength. I’ve flirted my way out of many life or death situations and once even flirted my way back from the dead. I can make your mom fall in love with me while your dad will call me the child he never had. I was once attacked by a pack of wolves and one week later I was successfully integrated into the pack and became the alpha.

Do you believe in an after-life? If so, how do I get in on this? 

Excellent question. As someone who has died no less than a dozen times, I can confirm there is an afterlife. Getting into heaven is easier than you might expect. You just gotta go to hell and annoy Satan until he transfers you out.

Describe the color green to someone who was born blind. (Notice, this isn’t a question. It is a command.)

Excellent question or… ummm I’ve been foiled. Green looks the way that limes taste.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day? 

Well most days I tend to wake up in the morning feelin like P Diddy. I grab my glasses, I’m out the door and then I usually tend to hit the city. But before I leave I always remember to brush my teeth with a bottle of jack. So I’d have to say that my morning anthem is Taylor Swift – Love Story.

How does the Internet work?

Excellent question! Let’s find out together (A hand comes through the screen and grabs your shirt and pulls you into the Internet and we go on a Willy Wonka type journey through the internet until you lose me in the land of nude pics)

On a scale from 1 to 10, rate me as an interviewer.

Gotta give you 10 for the questions and another 10 points for looks 😉

Signed your dear friend and sexual advisor,

Fanceus J PuffinStuff

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