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What are you doing here? Oh wait, yes, now I remember. I have decided to speak with Twitter user Post-Culture Review, @PostCultRev, as part of the ongoing project Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard OfMy goal here is to give creative people an outlet to write something that others will read in a venue other than Twitter, share whatever they want about themselves—ranging from serious to silly—and to keep myself entertained for a small period of time while I write these things. Also, I have an impeccable taste in human beings, as you may have noticed. I’ve taken up the hobby of collecting cool people, and it would be wrong of me not to share my findings with the world. [Disclaimer: Interviewees not subject for kidnapping]

This impeccable taste is what initially drew me to PCR, back in my early days of Twitter when I was fresh and corruptible. The man is a fantastic writer, despite the channeling of evil spirits that results in reading his stories. I still await reimbursement for my costly exorcism bills. I used to have his zines displayed in my bathroom, as part of a magazine rack, so that guests could read his works while they worked on their movements, but this resulted in… too many messes… when my guests inevitably snapped from the exposure to eldritch realms and peering into the abyss, scrawling threatening messages all over my bathroom walls using the only material on hand (and boy, was it on hand). Not everyone has the mental fortitude to handle the abominations underneath life’s surface, you know.

Now his zines are in the dining room, in a rack with copies of the revival of my old literary journal, printed by someone who has a much bigger budget than I ever did. I’ve been hoping that the shaky work of undergraduates would act as a buffer between his insanity and the real world, but the cryptic messages etched into my hardwood floor seem to suggest otherwise.

Post-Culture Review’s zine can be received by DMing him on the interwebs, and his podcast is located here for all the world to hear.

Pictured: The star of your next nightmare


 

Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

I started it to promote my zine, which is why it’s named after my zine. It has since evolved into a kind of literary laboratory for me to explore my obsessions or, alternately, my brain toilet.

Describe yourself in two words (no, wait, three words).

Albino cave potato

What is a writing project that you are currently working on?

I’m currently writing a short novel about a man on a deserted island who finds a machine that makes perfect clones of him. The clones eventually take over the island, which runs out of food as the society grows too large for the ecology to maintain them. The clone themselves then eat other clones to survive. This is an actual thing I’m doing because I’m an adult.

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

You can sing “I Like Big Butts” to the tune of “Greensleeves” and now you’ll never stop doing this.

What did you have for breakfast?

Scrambled eggs, toast, coffee and free-range morning anxiety.

What is something that you hate doing?

My job that earns us the money that supports my family.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Your account is always a pleasure and you were one of the first people I communicated with regularly. If I had to pick it would be @mountennui who I find to be a constant source of inspiration. Reading his work was when I first started to read twitter as its own kind of literature. Some other favorites include @timescanner, @studiesincrap, @behindyourback, @thepatanoiac and dozens of others I’m certainly forgetting  and whom ‘m dead certain will hate me forever now because I didn’t mention them…

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Bacteria, because no one ever thinks of them until billions of them are digesting you.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

Nothing. Every time I think I have a grasp on something I end up being humbled and awed by the awesome majesty of the universe and its infinite possibilities. It’s very frustrating.

What do you believe to be the scariest monster?

Giant squids, because they hate us and their civilization is so much more advanced and cruel than ours.

What is your favorite book?

Can’t pick one. Top ten:

“60 Stories” by Donald Barthelme

“Labyrinths” by Jorge Luis Borges

“The Master and Margarita” by Mikhail Bulgakov

“We Have Always Lived in the Castle” by Shirley Jackson

“At Swim-Two-Birds” By Flann O’Brien

“Invisible Cities” by Italo Calvino

“Woman in the Dunes” by Kobo Abe

“The Lathe of Heaven” by Ursela K LeGuin

“Sometimes a Great Notion” by Ken Kesey

“The Sot-Weed Factor” by John Barth

What is a life lesson you feel you have learned thus far?

Our lives are built out of whatever narratives we tell ourselves about what is going on. It’s all a story. Changing the story isn’t going to necessarily change your life, but recognizing it is a story, and other people have their stories, and that culture and history are collections of these stories, goes a long way to coming to a better understanding of what we’re all up to.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

“Primitive” by the Groupies

How does the internet work?

I scream at some bats and they fly away and form words in the night sky.

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

A croissant, because I’m a lot of work to put together and I leave crumbs all over the goddamned place.

If we fought crime together, what sort of crime would we fight?

We’d free people from the tyranny of their shitty, unfulfilling jobs like some sort of freedom fighters.

Welcome to another episode of Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, a thing that I’ve decided to do simply because I enjoy other human beings, specifically ones I have pre-selected. Today’s spotlight is on Ruben Ferdinand, known as @urbanfriendden on the Twitter web area. People may follow Ruben for his jokes, stories, or face, but I do it for all three. The princess may be in another castle, but Ruben knows about some other, better castle that has two dragon princesses, a white mage, and a cache of hyper potions that will keep you going all night long. He’s the magic anime noir guru captain that appears in the last dungeon with all four crystals, sending you back into the fields to grind because you are simply no match without some serious stats. Legend has it that once his limit break gauge filled up all the way and he became anime. Yes, the anthropomorphic embodiment of the very essential concept of anime. Impressive, I know.

To read more of his writing, click here, though you might want to have learned Esuna beforehand. In which case, back to the overworld with you!

Pictured: Anime.


Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

I think I first joined Twitter JUST to follow wolfpupy and, while they were still around, UtilityLimb. I think I was like 17 when I started posting under my first moniker, ‘ruben_twatter’ – which, in bloodshot hindsight, was a TERRIBLE name. I kind of immediately went into jokemode but being the wee lad of the praerie I was back then no one really cared. I remember being so excited when I hit 200 followers, while now I flourish my silver goblet as a patrician would and spill wine while also demanding more wine (the wine is Twitter followers). Why I still am on Twitter NOW is because my ebooks account needs more source material. He is a better tweeter than I am. (Also i love my friends)

Describe yourself in two words (no, wait, three words).

Frogs? Cool. (Alright!)

What is the greatest video game of all time?

You lockpick the entrance to the arcade hall with the grace of a master thief wearing a catsuit of their own volition. It is a time where this is considered an illegal act. (Wearing a catsuit while doing crimes; no one cares about video games.) With a fierce, saucy strut you move towards the glowing game cabinet in the exact centre of the building, other cabinets arranged in a circular pattern around it, as if afraid. You step up on the platform which consists of four pressure plates with arrows all pointing down. The screen lights up: a disastrous blend of all colours including two secret ones. It tells you “50c”, which is short for “50 Sea”. That is clearly wrong. There are only seven seas but you can find it in your heart to forgive the cabinet. You check your pockets of your pants for spare change… Drat!! Fake pockets, the despair of civilisation. Luckily, you had a fifty-cent coin hidden underneath your tongue. You insert the coin into the narrow slot. Suddenly, the screen bellows with the heavily-modulated voice of your dad “DO IT NOW.” With great immediacy you drop down to place your two legs and two arms on each pressure plate. A trapdoor opens and you plunge into the deepest darkest hole you’ve ever fallen in and you consider yourself quite the connoisseur. The screen flashes “CONGRATULATION. WELCOME TO HELL!”

Drop a truth bomb, right here, right now.

NIHILISM IS A REALLY OBTUSE WAY TO DISTANCE YOURSELF OF ALL MORAL RESPONSIBILITIES

What did you have for breakfast?

A single egg. In the science place we refer to it as an ‘oviform’. It was a pure, uncorrupted delicacy.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

There’s so many answers I have for this so I’m just gonna list two people who I hold very dear: @mammonmachine because Aevee is so cool and I look up to her a lot (go read ZEAL!!); @bombsfall because Scott has taught me so much in the short while we’ve known each other and he’s incredibly nice; @urbanfriendden, because Ruben is so cool and sexy mMmmm.

(Your absence from this threefold list doesn’t mean I don’t care for you it just means I’m too shy to tell you how I really feel)

What is your spirit animal, and why?

A mouse, because I am a big fan of Redwall. One day I hope to be very little and a master swordsman.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

You’d think history since I studied the damn thing. But no, the answer is video game music and sound effects.

What is scarier, the ocean or outer space?

It’s kind of weird that both exist in this ambivalent semiotic space wherein there is beauty but also terror. Both are immeasurably gorgeous in a poetic sense (a starry night sky, the moon over an ocean, sexy space mercenaries), but they’re also everyone’s worst fears. Space makes people feel small and insignificant while the ocean is probably filled with fish that are also chainsaws? Fucked up imo. Anyway I choose ocean because this one time I had a bad ocean fishing experience.

Is this a rhetorical question?

You can be whatever you want to be, buddy.

What is an issue that you feel very passionate about?

Creative work as an occupation! Like, so many people are reluctant to pay artists and writers to basically do their jobs. It makes me want to give them a noogie until a merciless sun sheds some light into that thick skull of theirs 😡

GIVE THEM YOUR MONEEYYY

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

I have a megamix on my phone that’s every grunt of pain from every Silent Hill protagonist from 1 – 4 + Shattered Memories combined. I don’t listen to that, though. I listen to the soundtrack to Katamary Damacy!

How does the internet work?

The internet is a quiet sort… Please be quiet and gentle so it may do its job with a tender delight… Hear it thrumming softly… Oh it loves you so much…

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

I would be poffertjes, sprinkled with generous powdered sugar. Google that for a good time.

Rebecca Heck Yea: Kiss, marry, or kill?

Kill by kiss

Today, I bring you another interview as part of my series (yeah, that’s right, mom, I have series) Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, some Q+A with the wonderful Glenn, or as a bunch of weird strangers on the internet know him, @justabloodygame.Yes, I still remember the first time I read a Glenn tweet. I went into the 140 characters feeling optimistic, trusting, there were birds singing outside and I had hope for my future. The first six words made me feel good. He set a warm, familial scene that spoke of intimate moments and the goodness inside each and every one of us.

By the time I finished reading the entire tweet, I had become a broken woman. I had walked through the mountains of madness and some dark center of the universe had managed to twist my soul like a hand towel, draining me of my sanity and leaving me morally petrified. Nothing was safe anymore. Glenn had made me feel comfortable, and then transported my spirit to a hell dimension. I still haven’t yet regained it, and as I sit here, a spiritual husk, I can only imagine that my soul is being used to power some awful universal dark magic mechanism that brings chaos into the lives of the living.

It’s honestly been a huge relief. My soul was really bogging me down. I really owe him one!

Pictured: Dangerous wizard

 Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com?

Initially I started an account to promote my (now defunct) movie blog, and connect with college and old high school friends. The focus has… changed somewhat since then now. Now, it’s just to dump whatever is in my head into everyone else’s.

Who has been your most long-lasting best friend?

I’ve had a friend named Ben who I met for the first time when I was a year and a half and he was six months. We’re still good friends today, so I’m going to say him.

What did you have for breakfast?
A granola bar, though before you think I’m a healthy eater, I had a double bacon cheeseburger like three hours afterwards.

Describe your idea of a romantic date.

Cooking up a delicious meal for that special someone at home, then cuddling on the couch while watching a movie. Or hanging out at the beach at night when there’s no one else but you, your lover making love amidst the waves and sand. That was how my first date with my current boyfriend went, can’t imagine it turning out any better.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Oi, do I have to choose just one? @SirEviscerate has been a long time favorite. @TheNatewolf and @tarashoe too. At gun point, forced to name one, I’d say @ThePatanoiac. He’s the writer I imagine myself to be in my most narcissistic moments.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Definitely dogs, nothing like a cute doggy resting his or her head on your leg to brighten any day.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

Movies? Fantasy and or Speculative Fiction novels? The hidden darkness of my own heart? One of those three.

What is scarier, the ocean or outer space?

Definitely outer space, you can go into the ocean without a spacesuit on and not die. The idea of death in a vacuum keeps me up nights.

What reality show would you like to be on? Would you win?

Chopped, and my victory depends entirely on the ingredients. Any seafood and I’m finished.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day?

Liquorice by Azaelia Banks.

How does the internet work?

If its creator is to be believed, a series of tubes runs the whole thing. Me? I think it’s been harvesting the souls of the damned to fuel the madness for a while now. There is no heaven, no hell, only the ‘Net.

If you were a baked good, what baked good would you be?

Apple pie. When done right, it’s like me. Sweet, but with a hint of tartness.

Are you ever going to let me talk to you again after this?

As long as both our lawyers are present, sure.

In my acclaimed (brand new) Interview series called Bec Interviews Twitter Users You May or May Not Have Heard Of, I have spoken with the notorious FBP, or Fancy Bird Puffin, nude fiend and known Canadian. I chose to interview my good friend Puffin in an attempt to get him to apologize for being Canadian, but it appears that he has not complied. I assume then that the contents of this interview are now anti-American propoganda, and must be analyzed as a means of entering the mind of a terrorist. For this reason, it is dire for the United States federal government to come across this interview, and my blog, to ensure national security.

Pictured: Bird, Fancy

Why do you have an account on Twitter dot com? 

Excellent question. I believe it was the honourable Judge Judy who said “Because of your heinous crimes against humanity, this court orders you to a lifetime of community service.” I figured Twitter was the absolute best way for me to serve my community.

Who do you hate most in the world, living or dead? 

Excellent question. I think it might be a tie between whichever Big Bang Theory writer came up with “Bazinga” and every single customer who has ever come into my work ever. (My real name is actually Sheldon and people shout Bazinga at me all the time.)

What did you have for breakfast? 

Excellent question! I ate a really old butterfinger bar that I found in my car. It’s been there since winter. It tasted fine but I’ve vomited twice since.

A year from now, we will be partying because we have made a great achievement together and we must celebrate our success. What is it that we achieve? 

Excellent question. I think our nation PuffBextopia will have achieved sovereignty. We will have broke free from the bonds of whatever and something. It will be glorious.

Who is your favorite account on Twitter dot com?

Mmmmm excellent question. Present company excluded (because obviously the two of us are incredible) @Gr3yZer0 has recently become a favourite. He has some good occult humour (stuff like “when bae catch you preparin the blood sacrifice”) I also love @CountGripsnatch and his sensual big naturals. I am also a huge @BikiniBabeLover fanboy. He’s so absurd and incredible.

What is your spirit animal, and why?

Wow! Excellent question! Many people would assume it’s a puffin because of whatever, but it’s actually some other animal. Like a banana or something.

What is a topic that you feel that you know a lot about, that you consider yourself an expert on?

This… Now this is an excellent question! Charm. If life was a RPG, I’m the character who put all his points into Charisma and forgot about Intelligence and never even looked at Strength. I’ve flirted my way out of many life or death situations and once even flirted my way back from the dead. I can make your mom fall in love with me while your dad will call me the child he never had. I was once attacked by a pack of wolves and one week later I was successfully integrated into the pack and became the alpha.

Do you believe in an after-life? If so, how do I get in on this? 

Excellent question. As someone who has died no less than a dozen times, I can confirm there is an afterlife. Getting into heaven is easier than you might expect. You just gotta go to hell and annoy Satan until he transfers you out.

Describe the color green to someone who was born blind. (Notice, this isn’t a question. It is a command.)

Excellent question or… ummm I’ve been foiled. Green looks the way that limes taste.

When you burst through your front door in the morning, ready to get to work, what theme song is playing while you walk purposefully into your day? 

Well most days I tend to wake up in the morning feelin like P Diddy. I grab my glasses, I’m out the door and then I usually tend to hit the city. But before I leave I always remember to brush my teeth with a bottle of jack. So I’d have to say that my morning anthem is Taylor Swift – Love Story.

How does the Internet work?

Excellent question! Let’s find out together (A hand comes through the screen and grabs your shirt and pulls you into the Internet and we go on a Willy Wonka type journey through the internet until you lose me in the land of nude pics)

On a scale from 1 to 10, rate me as an interviewer.

Gotta give you 10 for the questions and another 10 points for looks 😉

Signed your dear friend and sexual advisor,

Fanceus J PuffinStuff

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